2005-08-25 / Sam Bari

You can’t beat a system you can’t understand

Insurance, hypochondriacs, and cow kissers
By Sam Bari

You can’t beat a system you can’t understand

If the scientists who tell us we are not alone in the universe are correct, and other intelligent life forms really exist, I am concerned. What if the space guys are watching us? If they’re studying Americans, their perception of the human species could be distorted, particularly if they tune in to prime-time television.

During peak hours, viewers watching television commercials without a fundamental knowledge of human behavior could get some skewed ideas.

They could easily conclude that human beings are a race of hypochondriacs with a passion for insurance and fast food. Nothing could be farther from the truth.

We all know that human beings are over-insured foodaholics with a passion for hypochondria. They could also assume that men have chronic virility and baldness problems and most women have serious continence difficulties, while both are obsessed with combating ugliness and fat.

Our crack team of researchers spent minutes searching the Internet to keep you, our faithful readers, informed about these sensitive, yet pertinent, issues.

In 2003, pharmaceutical companies and other health-care product manufacturers spent around $3 billion on TV commercials. That represents a lot of cure for a frightening number of illnesses. Our researchers say that figure increased over the last two years. When asked how much, they responded, “A lot.” More money was spent on medicine-related television commercials in one year than the total combined annual advertising budgets of AnheuserBusch, Pepsi, Coca-Cola and McDonald’s.

After viewing American television, our alien friends might assume that insurance and fast food companies advertising during the same time slots are somehow related to the medicine manufacturers.

Think like a space guy watching television and knowing nothing about the workings of our economic system. He might logically assume that insurance companies own the fast food and pharmaceutical industries.

Television commercials encourage people to eat fast food that makes them sick. Then they have to buy insurance that covers the cost of medicine to make them well. People who don’t buy into this program will suffer severely because they will be stricken with chronic obesity. I don’t think this is the way we want to be perceived.

It’s fair to assume that the space guys are intelligent. They could be compassionate as well. What if they feel sorry for us and decide to just put us out of our misery? It could happen.

If we don’t change our lifestyles, our only hope is that the space guys spend more time watching third-world countries than they spend watching us. Third-world people don’t buy insurance, watch television, or eat much.

I also suspect that insurance companies control the beauty industry, and that encompasses total make-over salons, unnatural enhancement clinics, as well as hair restoration and transplant establishments. These companies produce commercials designed to make men and women think they are ugly and need serious adjustments to their appearance. This is a major button to push if the desired effect is to get women crazy and make men neurotic.

Although most of the beauty business appears to be extreme, one product bothers me more than all the others, and that includes breast implants, hair dye, tattoos, nose jobs, and capped teeth. What’s with bovine collagen injections?

Bovine collagen injections are used to plump up lips, fill in wrinkles, and obliterate skin imperfections to make women look younger and appear to be flawless.

Unfortunately, the active ingredient in bovine injections is an insoluble fibrous protein that comes from cows. When heated with water, this substance turns into the gelatin used for the injections. Bovine means cattle-related. The makers seem to think bovine sounds better than cow.

So men — if your wife, significant other or any female in your life has a tendency to graze or moo, encourage her to slow down on the cow fixes. Why kiss those pouty lips that you find so attractive? Cut out the middleman and kiss a cow. I suppose in some cases you’re kind of doing that anyway.

Despite these concerns, I’m not really that worried about space guys invading any time soon. If they are as intelligent as I think they must be, I doubt they want to have much to do with people who live by a system they can’t understand.

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