2005-09-15 / Sam Bari

You can’t beat a system you can’t understand

Big language from big business
By Sam Bari

You can’t beat a system you can’t understand

Every living language experiences periods of growth and change. Sometimes technology, confluence of cultures or social divisions compromise correct grammar and expressions. When this happens, new cliches, slang, dialects, colloquialisms, and esoteric terminology are born.

People in big business needed a way of communicating that assured them that the general public would never understand what they were talking about. They realized that if we understood their convoluted tactics for acquiring our hard-earned money at no risk to them, nobody would invest in anything.

When we heard about what big business was up to from our closely-guarded, informed sources, we put our crack team of investigative reporters on the case to bring our faithful readers the unmitigated truth about . . . Big Language.

The heads of big business carefully funneled money into a secret fund to finance clandestine operations at an exotic destination. There, they formed a committee that spent months inventing Big Language. They disguised their activities with lavish parties and successes on the golf course.

Big Language is the big business version of the secret vernacular used by teenagers to keep their parents from understanding them. Of course, we don’t understand them even if they don’t use a secret language, but that’s not the point.

You see, since big business does not want us to understand what they are saying, they had to invent Big Language to assure big secrecy.

The program was so successful that the committee became a subsidiary of several large conglomerates. They took permanent residence at the exotic destination and continued to throw lavish parties as they developed their concept. They now support the entire economic system of what we first believed was a large third world country. However, our informed sources tell us it is probably China.

We have survived the languages of the beat generation, the hippies, the hip-hoppers, and now the rappers. And we have learned to tolerate the clichés of sports announcers. We are tolerant in that area because they are, after all, jocks, our American heroes and national treasures. Although these aberrations of the English language were all annoying in one way or another, in small doses they were generally tolerable or mildly amusing.

Unfortunately, unless we act now, there is little hope of surviving the Big Language corruption of speech – worse than political correctness, spin tactics, and advertising deception. I never thought anything could surpass those three embarrassments.

Who is ultimately responsible for coining annoying buzzwords and phrases such as networking, downsizing, thinking outside the box, interfacing, forward-thinking (a synonym for unfounded speculation), and cutting or bleeding edge? When did technology change from a science to an art as in state-of-the, etc.? I really want to know who invents these terms.

Most of the words were perfectly good when used as they were originally intended. Unfortunately, big business, by applying ill-acquired funds to promote their efforts, managed to corrupt these hard-working members of our daily language.

We will continue to update you as this story unfolds. However, between now and then, if any broker tells you that he is offering you the opportunity of a lifetime to get in on the ground floor of a forward-thinking incubator company that is being kick-started by super input from an aggressive team of Internet marketing gurus – beware.

If they continue to say that this company will hit the ground running to impact the marketplace with awesome, wave-of-thefuture, cutting edge technology that was elevated to the next level by networking with gearheads who think outside the box to generate an explosive bottom line – alert all your friends.

Then, march to the broker’s office and beat him severely with faux leather checkbooks. He is using Big Language as a manipulative tool to force us to live in a system that we have no hope of ever understanding.

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