2005-11-24 / Sam Bari

You can’t beat a system you can’t understand

Gift buying guide for men – part II
By Sam Bari

You can’t beat a system you can’t understand
Gift buying guide for men – part II

After judging the responses from both men and women concerning last week’s column, “Gift buying guide for men,” I can see that much work is yet to be done. Women said that I left out important details. Men just looked at me with bewildered expressions on their confused faces and said things like, “huh?” and “wha?”

Gentlemen – this is not rocket science. All “she who must be obeyed” wants you to do is make her feel special at Christmas. Just remember that the old adage, “never buy a gift for someone that you would not buy for yourself” does not apply here. That means, don’t give her a gun, a tool, a video game, or a sport related product – especially a jersey from your favorite football team with the quarterback’s name and number on it.

If you give her a gun, you deserve to be shot with it. And believe me, if she shoots you, all her friends will show up at her trial in her defense. Her lawyer will easily convince any jury that a crime was not committed. Shooting you would be considered justifiable homicide due to the suffering you caused by inflicting an underwhelming overabundance of boneheaded dumbness on her.

Now let’s look at a few other things that she does not want. She definitely does not want anything that is designed for operation in the kitchen, or, that is meant to improve the appearance of the house. You know what I mean, I know you do – things like cleaning devices such as Turbo-Mops, Supervacs, or any items that would be used by a maid if you could afford one. Nod your head if you understand . . . very good . . . you’re getting the idea.

I can see what’s going through that little pea-size portion of your brain that’s reserved for shopping. You’re thinking, “something frilly, like lingerie – that’s the ticket.” Okay. Not bad. But, there are rules. You best buy this sheer little item of daring naughtiness because “she will like it,” not because “you will like it.”

If it has more straps than the two that are meant to hang over her shoulders, reconsider the purchase. If it resembles something that might be used in the art of oriental string torture, do not buy it. If it impedes breathing, circulation, movement, or causes numbness or pain, it will not be conducive to making her feel feminine. So, don’t buy it. In other words, if you like it, she probably won’t. You would be wise to consider something else.

Now I can hear those little wheels turning. I know what you’re thinking. Jewelry – a little bauble could go a long way. Well . . . yes it could . . . but it best be the right bauble. A few guidelines need to be considered.

If you see an ad in the paper that says something like: “Gold necklaces, tennis bracelets, diamond earrings, 30 to 50 percent off,” beware. If you go to the store and see a hundred guys standing in line picking things off display stands that hold 200 of the same item, just turn around and go home.

When she opens that special little present on Christmas morning, she better not say, “Oh. Al bought one of these for Janice 30 percent off at Wal-mart, right?” If she does, you may as well get your affairs in order because you are as good as dead. You will be sleeping on the couch and preparing your own dinner for at least a year.

Try to think in terms of something personal that shows the world your unconditional love for her. For instance, two tickets to the ballet would be an example of the kind of thoughtfulness she has in mind. A gift of that nature would prove that you appreciate her sophistication and taste for culture and art.

However, do not give her the tickets then blow the whole thing by telling her that she and her girlfriend should really enjoy the “show.” That is not what she wants.

She wants you to accompany her and clearly demonstrate that you are willing to expand your horizons by taking two hours out of your life to watch men wearing heavy make-up and gaily-colored tights jumping around on stage with extremely slender women. An orchestra that does not have a single electric guitar, or any other electronic instrument in the ensemble will accompany the entire performance. And you will endure all this for her.

For this small sacrifice, she can reward you in more ways than your puny imagination ever considered. Are you with me so far?

If you don’t have a romantic bone in your body, try to look at buying her a gift as if it were a good business deal where both sides get what they want – kinda like a sports trade. Now am I getting through to you? Sometimes you have to make a little sacrifice if you want to win. Besides, you might like the surprise ending. It’s all part of that system we are never going to understand.

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