2006-03-30 / Sam Bari

You can't beat a system you can't understand

Alligator mating linked to bizarre human behavior
By Sam Bari

After extensive research of up to .44 seconds, our crack team of Googlamaniacs in the research department found conclusive evidence concerning a little known phenomenon. The courting rituals of alligators during their mating season have proven to directly influence human behavioral patterns.

Apparently the bellowing, grunting, and squeaking of the crocodilian set during courtship does more than attract amorous gators. The primitive growl of a male gator signaling his quest to mate triggers a primal instinct in human males. Their eyes glaze over upon hearing the primal grunting of love struck gators. Then their faces assume an expression of yearning for adventure that slackens their jaw and quickens their heartbeat.

They wander around outdoors, go into garages, outbuildings, and other areas - anywhere that boats are stored. Then they stand at the helms and look into the distance as if they were at sea navigating their vessels over long ocean swells.

This phenomenon occurs shortly after the first day of spring, when alligator mating season begins. A woman recently made the discovery while watching her husband at their home just outside of Okefenokee Swamp in southeast Georgia, a prime alligator habitat.

The alligator mating ritual is complex, yet predictable. Toward the end of March, male alligators cruise through the swamps bellowing their mating calls to attract females who wish to mate. However, the female alligators traditionally initiate the actual courtship. When they spot bellowing males on the prowl for a little mating action, they do things like block their paths to let them know they are receptive. If the females don't get the response they're seeking, they often beat up the objects of their affection until they succumb to their wishes. Apparently, these encounters can get quite physical, and the females always win.

As the spring mating season progresses with much bellowing, thrashing, and violent seduction, male humans work themselves into frenzies for different reasons. Their spring ritual begins with the heady aroma of bottom paint and spar varnish permeating the air. The intoxicating odors work their way up the East Coast of the country on prevailing winds. The confluence of smells attracts additional human males, triggering their primal instincts as they join the throngs to participate in the rites of the season.

At the peak of the alligatormating festivities, human males keep pace by swarming ship chandlers, marine stores, and boating supply establishments. Here, they pour copious amounts of money into cash registers and melt down credit cards. In exchange, they carry home gallons of paint, varnish, cleaning solvents, oils, lubricants, and other toxic liquids necessary for preparing vessels for launch.

However, before they pollute land, air, and sea by making a mess with their handiwork, human females usually keep the strange rite of spring in check. Like their female alligator counterparts, human females are the ultimate decision makers in all amorous pursuits of human males, be it love of women or boats.

When Captain Courageous is ready to cruise, a human female is often there to block his path. If she doesn't get the response she desires, such as cleaning up boat preparation messes and completing spring house repair chores, like the female gator, she beats him up. It's all part of a system that most women understand.

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