2007-01-18 / Sam Bari

You can't beat a system you can't understand

Where's the fat?
By Sam Bari

Without a doubt, America and most of the world, at least the parts that have access to the media and fast food restaurants, are obsessed with fat. Our research department, the Googlamaniacs, tell me that the fat-obsessed are unevenly divided.

Apparently, 60 percent are obsessed with talking about fat and how to lose it. These are the fat people. The remaining 40 percent are obsessed with talking about the 60 percent that can't seem to do anything but talk about their fat-losing intentions. These are the skinny people. They dedicate their lives to joyfully treating the 60 percent as if they are worthless, over-sized masses of quivering whale blubber.

The 60 percent can be observed wallowing in their obsessive-compulsive behavioral patterns in fastfood restaurants. Here, they munch on fat burgers, chicken fat cookies, and drink shakes made of inedible oil byproducts that scientists have not yet figured out how to turn into plastic containers. In between bites, one of them might say something like: "I've got to (munchmunch) join a (chew-chew) gym (munch-chew-slurp)."

Often, a colleague sitting across the table will munch, chew and slurp quietly, while listening to his fat friend experience his epiphany. In between munches, slurps, and chews, he will reply: "I did that (munch-munch). It just made me (chew-chew) hungrier (munchchew slurp)."

"What made you hungrier, joining or actually working out?" The first man asks.

"I never got to the working out part," the colleague answers. "The thought of working out made me hungry (burp)."

Outside, a woman (obviously one of the 40 percent), is running by, pushing a baby carriage with gargantuan wheels. As she runs, she looks through the window with aristocratic disdain at the 60 percent who are enjoying their fast food. She is sucking on a bottle of expensive designer water, making her look as if she has an extra appendage emerging from her mouth, possibly an extension of her nose.

"See that woman pushing the baby carriage with the solar panels that heat the giant wheels?" asks the first man.

"You mean the woman that looks like a Shar Pei?"


"Why are the carriage wheels heated?"

"I dunno. So it costs more, I guess," the first man says.

"Figures," says his colleague. "How come she looks like a Shar Pei?"

"She lost a hundred pounds, and that's what's left."

"You're kidding."

"I'm not," says the first man. "The money she used to spend on food, she now spends on things."

"Conspicuous consumption," says the colleague. "She just traded one bad habit for another."

"Probably," says the first man.

"So much for your gym idea. I don't want to look like that," says the colleague.

"You should see the kid in the carriage," says the first man. "It's 8 years old, but never grew much because she hardly feeds it. She's that obsessed with the possibility of her kid getting fat."

"How weird," says the colleague.

"Have you ever wondered what happens to fat when people lose it?" the first man asks.

"Not really," says the colleague. "They work out and burn it off, I guess. It just evaporates into the atmosphere."

And that, dear readers, is the point of today's column. What does happen to the fat that skinny people have lost? It has to go somewhere. Nothing just disappears. I have a theory.

I believe that one of the major causes of global warming is fat clogging the atmosphere. Think about it. Obese people who want to join the other side burn off unwanted fat. When they burn off the fat, it evaporates into the atmosphere and creates a protective barrier that holds in heat. Hmmm… this could be catastrophic for future generations.

Fat people are good for the planet. Why, you ask? Because they store fat. When they die, the fat returns to the earth and becomes a nutrient in the soil that is used to grow edible vegetation. This nourishes people, cows, and other fat bearing animals, and continues the cycle of life.

When skinny people die, they leave bones, hardly a life-sustaining byproduct of their anorexic existence. Fat people put something back. They do not clog the atmosphere with disgusting globules of vaporous fat that will warm the globe and quickly destroy life as we know it. Overweight people have purpose. They give their life to storing fat so the planet can be enjoyed by future generations.

Eat, America! Enjoy the fruits of the table. Store fat. It is your civic duty. Otherwise, you will look like a Shar Pei, a foreign dog with a design flaw. All those wrinkles on Shar Peis were intended to be filled with fat. However, merciless masters unconscionably starved these environmentally-aware creatures to the point that they look like the "before" in permanent press ads.

Do your part. Do not resemble Shar Peis. Help the world go green. Burning fat is part of that system we can't understand.

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