2007-02-22 / Sam Bari

You can't beat a system you can't understand

Women mature and men just get larger
By Sam Bari

Readers often call or write to ask if our crack research department, the Googlamaniacs, will investigate troubling issues. The Googlamaniacs are always eager to assist readers in revealing the truth about their problematic concerns, so they devoted hundreds of nanoseconds to researching the latest versions of frequently asked questions.

Brenda Snerdwissle, of an undisclosed address in the Northwest Territories, writes: "I've been married for twenty-three years and I think my husband is retarded. How did he hide it for so long? I also fear that my son has similar symptoms. Is it possible he is suffering from a hereditary condition? Please help me. They are making me crazy."

Another reader from an equally obscure area of the globe wants to know where she went wrong raising her boy. "For years I tried so hard," she said. "I picked up after him, taught him how to make his bed, wash dishes, and wear clean clothes. I went to his house the other day and found his wife staring blankly into a day-old cup of coffee, tears streaming down her face. My son, Seymour, was parked in front of the television watching a football game, beer in hand, wearing only his underwear. At what point did I fail him?"

Our team of research professionals found undisputable evidence that proves the men in question are neither mentally challenged or malfunctioning. Those fears are unfounded and of little consequence. The problem, ladies, is that you have difficulty dealing with the modern, pragmatic male.

According to the Googlamaniacs, men are instinctively more practical than women are because they do not possess an unnecessary and intensely annoying gene inherent in the female set. It is commonly recognized as the "neat" gene. In its place, men have a strong instinct to be efficient, and live their lives with minimal hassle.

For instance, men use refrigerators for four reasons. The freezer section stores ice cream and ice, and the refrigerator section stores beer and batteries, and that's it, nothing more, nothing less. The need to store massive quantities of food that must be prepared as if the household feared being under siege for months at a time does not compute in the average man's practical brain. Why anyone would consider actually preparing food when they can go out or order in is beyond the scope of most males, unless of course, they are barbecuing at a tailgate party. That's different.

Another prime example of male thinking is the way they perceive laundry. The male mind separates laundry into three piles. Pile number one is clean laundry, fresh out of the dryer. Pile number two is slightly soiled, but in his mind, still wearable laundry. Pile number three is, send the dogs to this pile to pick up the scent if the owner goes missing for longer than a day.

Pile number one should be out in the open where it can be easily seen, like on top of the dresser or on the floor by the bathroom door. This is so the owner knows what clothing is available for wear on short notice. Pile number two is actually not a pile at all. It is clothing draped over chair backs, hanging on doorknobs, or left to mark a trail from the first piece to be removed upon entering the house, to the last piece to be removed in front of the TV. This works well for mornings when the owner is late for work. He can dress on his way to the car.

Males are well aware that all laundry will ultimately end up in pile number three. When that happens, a trip to the laundry becomes a necessity, unless they have the wherewithal to just go to the store and buy new clothes. This is often the most pragmatic decision. From the time most men purchase an item of clothing to the time it reaches pile number three and waits for all the other laundry to catch up, it has gone out of style. Consequently, this methodology keeps men who are not fashion conscious in a state of sartorial splendor.

Much of this seemingly exclusive male behavior can be attributed to higher education. When males reach college age and leave home for the first time, they quickly find that the demands of academia and drinking beer leave little time for the fulfillment of domestic duties. No matter how diligent mothers are in teaching, disciplining, programming, and coercing their sons to be neat and tidy, the first thing they learn when they leave home is that nothing bad happens if they don't clean up their living quarters. Besides, to them, that sense of order is contrary to their instincts.

From birth, women mature, and men just get larger. Like babies, men take the path of least resistance, the easiest way - that which is most convenient, rules.

The female penchant for changing men from doing what comes naturally and the male instinct to resist change are just two of the many reasons we will continue to live in a system we cannot understand.

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