You can't beat a system you can't understand
Everybody seems to think that columnists are allowed to write whatever we want even if our material does not contain so much as a grain of truth. In other words, people feel that we just sit at our computers and lie for a living. A 9-year-old girl once said to me at a family gathering, "You have no credibility; you're a columnist." I, of course, defended myself and told her I was a Libertarian, but that didn't appear to sway her opinion.
I'll have you know that many great fiction writers began as columnists, honing their craft in daily and weekly creations until they were able to string several hundred columns together so that publishers could bind them into one book and call it a novel. You see, "novelists," for some reason that is beyond the comprehension of most columnists, are credible. Writers of fiction are respected in the literary trade. I suppose it's because they are capable of telling longer lies than writers of columns. I don't really know, but it sounds like as good an excuse as any.
Today, I am going to turn the tide by making a profound statement that will enlighten mankind and give columnists around the globe the respect they so justly deserve. Last week, while sitting in my living room reading old Dave Barry and Russell Baker columns, looking for something to steal, it dawned on me why the space guys have never landed.
The truth is, they just haven't announced their arrival. Believe me, they are already here, and I have proof.
A few weeks ago, on March 20, to be exact, Leslie Kean, a highly respected investigative reporter and journalist wrote an article about UFOs. According to Kean, ten years after an Arizona UFO incident known as the "Phoenix Lights," former Arizona Republican Governor Fife Symington III, said that he himself was a witness to the strange unidentified flying objects, even though he originally denied seeing them along despite the fact that thousands of others did. Apparently his excuse was, "that the state of Arizona was on the brink of hysteria," about the UFO sighting and he didn't want the masses to panic.
Several accounts of the incident in different newspapers claimed that thousands of people saw multiple triangular and V-shaped craft gliding slowly and silently across the Arizona sky near Phoenix for half an hour beginning at approximately 8:15 p.m. Awestruck witnesses throughout the state estimated that the eerie, lighted vehicles were bigger than many football fields, up to a mile long.
Symington admitted that the craft were well defined, and that the lights could not have been flares, but were part of giant flying objects. Of the thousands of people who witnessed the event, Phoenix city councilwoman Frances Barwood was the only elected official to launch a public investigation, but she received no information from any level of government. Barwood spoke with over seven hundred witnesses, including police, pilots and former military personnel, who provided very similar descriptions. "The government never interviewed even one witness," she said.
Symington also attempted to find an explanation. He called the commander at Luke Air Force Base, the General in charge of the National Guard, and the head of the Department of Public Safety in 1997. None of these officials had answers, and they were "perplexed," he said. The consensus from the government on every level was that they were not aware of any aircraft in the area at the time other than normal traffic, and that they had no comment on the matter.
To this day, government officials continue to keep the lid on the Phoenix Lights and other welldocumented sightings of mysterious giant triangles and other unexplainable craft.
The reason that the space guys didn't land and make themselves known, and why the government had no comment on the matter or any other UFO matter is because the government is run by the space guys. They've taken over. The government is being run by aliens. They just haven't let us know about it. They use their space-age technology to manipulate us, and I have proof.
If we weren't being manipulated, why else would we do so many goofy things? For instance, we're upset because the cost of gasoline has climbed to $2.79 a gallon, yet we pay a dollar for 12-ounces of brand name bottled water that is manufactured under the same rules as water that comes out of the tap, that costs pennies per gallon. Let's just say that we can buy bottled water in a fancy plastic bottle for a dollar a quart. That's still $4 a gallon, and we pay for it every day without complaint. That's beyond goofy, it's idiotic.
That's just one thing. There are many others. The space guys have made sure of it. If there weren't, I couldn't write a weekly column about living in this system that we can't understand. And that's no lie.