2007-06-07 / Sam Bari

Summer fashions and Bari's Law

By Sam Bari

You can't beat a system you can't understand You can't beat a system you can't understand Our crack research department, the Googlamaniacs, dedicated hundreds of nanoseconds to gather statistics on laws that need to be written, but for unknown reasons have never been considered by a lawmaking body.

We call the list "Bari's Law" because the ordinances, if passed, would make the world a better place to live according to me. The list has many categories so I can resort to it when I am at a loss for something to write, so we will not cover all of them in one column. Instead, we will begin with a timely subject that, if followed, will benefit all. This week's category is summer fashions.

Bari's Law states that people with a waist size greater than the distance from the floor to their navel should be severely punished for wearing revealing bathing attire in a public place. This includes human beings of any age or gender. We might add an addendum to that piece of legislation stating that the wearing of tight clothing by the same group should be similarly penalized.

According to Bari's law, people who are so old that their flesh resembles sagging elephant skin after said pachyderm has gone on a hunger strike or participated in a severe and unnatural diet program shall not be seen in public when scantily clad. If caught with anything more than their head and hands exposed, they will be incarcerated for the remainder of their days in a facility without windows.

Any men, regardless of age or sexual orientation, whose protruding bellies obstruct their ability to see their toes, will be banned from public beaches for life if they are seen clad in anything bearing the name "Speedo." If they violate the ordinance for the second time, "I am an eyesore" will be permanently tattooed in large garish colors to their foreheads as well as their bellies.

Similarly, women wearing low-riders, hip huggers, hipsters, or whatever you want to call jeans, shorts, or pants that leave the belly button exposed will be subjected to extreme and unreasonable punishment for wearing such attire in public view if over an inch of pulsating flab hangs over the top of said britches.

Bari's Law will allow local, regional, and national government agencies to award anyone wearing a T-shirt without a printed message, valuable prizes at taxpayer expense for setting a good example of acceptable summer attire.

The idea is to send a message to the delusional masses that nobody cares where they spent their vacation, who their favorite rock star, NASCAR driver or movie star is, who they do business with, or their favorite brand of beer. Above all - nobody cares about their philosophy on life.

Finally, retailers will be substantially fined for selling revealing or tight-fitting clothing to anyone whose BFI(Body Fat Index) is greater than their MMI (Muscle Mass Index). This will help to keep the acceptable attire standard at a reasonable level and encourage a movement to oppose sight pollution.

Bari's Laws are not designed to deny anyone the right to enjoy summer or any other time of year. However, those who are not disciplined enough to get in shape, or those who have long surpassed the age when their bodies were attractive, should have the decency and consideration for others to "cover it up." It is not an unreasonable request.

I suppose there is a little bit of exhibitionist in all of us, with little regard for our appearance to others. But looking like ten pounds of fat in a five pound bag and flaunting it in public is part of that system I will never understand.

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