2007-12-06 / Sam Bari

You can't beat a system you can't understand

The human migration
By Sam Bari

Who says that humans are no longer migratory? Not so. Our crack team of researchers, the Googlamaniacs, worked for nanoseconds to reveal reams of evidence that human beings have not lost their migratory instincts. However, the reasons for migrating have changed, and confirm that we definitely live in a system we can't understand.

In days of old, people who did not have a permanent abode and traveled from place to place to find fresh pasture for their livestock were called nomads. At the beginning of winter, they went south, and in the summer, they went north, wherever the best grass was available.

The modern nomad has an entirely different story. If the space guys are watching, they have more reasons to pity the humans and just leave them alone. They know that, sooner or later, probably sooner, we will self-destruct and a new, properly programmed breed that is fit to join the intergalactic community will take our place.

Third World countries still exist where sensible migration is the norm. However, for those of us living in modern, industrialized societies, which is most of the world, the migratory rules have changed. Unfortunately, sensibilities have little to do with the human penchant for moving about for no good reason.

Last week marked the beginning of the weekly winter migration. The first snowfall of signifi- cance fell on many mountain areas and appeared to call the urban dwellers, who swarmed the highways in their SUVs, and like lemmings, made the trek north to snow clad regions. The space guys have probably been watching this yearly practice for decades. As soon as snow falls, the humans head north, but only on weekends.

Then when the snow melts and beach areas warm, the humans go in the other direction and head south, every weekend, like clockwork. The space guys have also made note of this phenomenon.

What the space guys see is falling snow that appears to send a signal to tens of thousands of humans who mostly live in areas of seasonal change, inspiring them to herd their families into station wagons, SUVs and trucks of various gas guzzling designs and head north.

Upon arrival at the snowy areas, they unpack their vehicles and cram their families and as many worldly possessions as they can carry into small buildings where they cohabitate for several days.

Occasionally, the humans come out of the little buildings, particularly during the day, and appear to frolic in the snow. At dusk, they all scurry back to their little cottages and again cram together in the limited space where they await daylight so they can come out and frolic again. When the weekend is over, they pack their families and belongings back into their vehicles and swarm the highways for the migration back to the city.

This phenomenon happens every year until the snow melts. Then, the beach areas begin to warm and the humans drop boats into the water and start the migration again. Only this time, they go south where they pack the same families into more little buildings or little boats, where they again cohabitate for the weekend. When the weekend is over, they again scurry back to the city where they work hard all week long as if preparing for the next weekly migration.

A few of the humans move way south in the winter, where the weather is warm and pleasant. Once they arrive, they stay for several months until the season ends. When summer arrives, they go north where the weather is more moderate and comfortable. They also live in bigger dwellings, and seem to live a less frantic life than the weekly migrants. The space guys think the seasonal migrants might represent a more refined breed of human, because they live more sensibly.

They also think the weekly migrants might be susceptible to ritual because they are breeders, and humans who breed seem to be prone to more questionable behavior than those who do not. The space guys think the weekly migrants are probably participating in ceremony that is mandatory for all breeding humans, because they bring their offspring with them, and then congregate in herds for social interaction before making the frustrating drive back to the city.

The space guys probably try to make sense of human behavior by analyzing what they see. Unfortunately, the only conclusion they can make is that we live in a system they can't understand.

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