2008-03-06 / Sam Bari

You can't beat a system you can't understand

Where have all the space guys gone?
By Sam Bari

Concerned readers have been asking an important question for quite some time that must be resolved. How are the space guys going to be treated when they officially land? I believe it should be a mandatory question for every presidential candidate.

Are we going to treat them as illegal aliens? Will we demand that they return to their planet of origin where they will be required to apply for a visa before landing on earth? Or will that just apply to the United States?

I can hear the present administration discussing the problem now:

George: We shoulda been prepared for this. We knew it was gonna happen sooner or later. How are we gonna deal with these creatures/ The last thing we need is a new kind of alien.

Advisor #1: Some of them are green. We had a hard enough time getting the blacks, whites, browns and reds to get along. How is green going to fit into the mix?

Advisor #2: What about the Venusians? I understand some of them are purple. Do we really want purple constituents? That would clash with the colors of the flag.

Advisor #3: Why don't we see what they have to offer? We can do what we do now and give preferential treatment to those who can do us some good.

George: Be careful when you set up trade agreements. We don't want to start a tourist business to other planets. That could mean more American dollars leaving the country. What am I talking about? They would be leaving the planet.

Advisor #1: Do they accept American dollars on Jupiter?

Advisor #2: It would make sense to convert to Euros, since they're worth more.

Advisor #3: Anything's worth more.

George: Maybe we could send them all to Wyoming. Hardly anybody lives there. They need a bigger population.

Advisor #1: What if they got together and started demanding federal subsidies?

Advisor #2: What if they start taking work away from our labor force? Some of those creatures have four arms, and if they're willing to work an honest eight hours, they could be twice as productive for half the price.

Advisor #3: Yeah. I agree. After all - they're not union.

George: Now you shouldn't be thinking that way. More productive labor at a cheaper price is exactly what this country needs. Maybe foreign contracts will start coming our way instead of constantly leaving.

Advisor #1: That's a nice thought. But we don't even know if the green ones get along with the purple ones. Do you really think they can work together?

Advisor #2: I cannot imagine doing business with anything purple or green.

Advisor #3: Don't let the press hear you say that. The liberals will be all over you.

George: It would be a good idea to allow them in. Set an example for the rest of the world. Diversity is what America is about. Make them citizens and we'll have entire planets as allies, not just a few blood-sucking countries that want our money.

Advisor #1: If they don't get along with each other, we could have an interplanetary war on our hands. They would be using earth as a battlefield - specifically, our part of the earth.

Advisor #2: Maybe we should make a deal with the Martians. From what I hear, they have the best technology. With them as allies, the others could be kept in line.

George: There you go spending money again. You don't think the Martians are actually going to share that technology for free do you? More money will be leaving the planet - our money.

Advisor #3: Not everybody thinks like we do, George. But if we can make a deal with the Martians, we could be the middleman and resell their technology to the Third World. We just have to be careful how we word the contracts.

Advisor #1: How do you know the Martians have the best technology? We haven't actually seen it.

Advisor #2: Be serious. My kids got that information off the Internet. Everybody knows more about it than we do.

George: Maybe we could charge an alien visitation tax. They don't know anything about our economic system. We might make enough money to actually finance social security.

Advisor #1: That's what you're doing with the earthling alien immigrants now and it's not working. The entire country's up in arms about it.

Advisor #2: What do you care about social security anyway? You're not going to be in office when the money runs out.

Advisor #3: What are they going to pay us with- space bucks? For all we know, they might not want to do business with any of us.

Knock on door: Rap! Rap!

George: Answer the door. If it's the press, tell them we'll make a statement tomorrow.

Advisor #1: It's an intern.

George: See what he wants.

Advisor #1: It's a she and she has a note addressed to you.

George: Give it here.

Advisor #2: What's it say?

George: It's a note from the aliens on the White House lawn. They've left. It says: "Thank you for your hospitality, but we prefer not to be involved with a system we can't understand."

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