2008-03-27 / Sam Bari

You can't beat a system you can't understand

Spring has sprung - just enjoy it
By Sam Bari

Sam Bari
This is an important message, not an exaggeration of statistics by a crazed columnist attempting to alarm readers everywhere. According to our crack research team, the Googlamaniacs, town hall zoning departments across the country are being inundated with applications. Yes, applications for making home improvements, repairs, and renovations are showing up everywhere.

However, authorities are alarmed. Due to an economy that is basically in the toilet, contractors are not applying for the permits. The applications are coming from homeowners. In less than a month, the nation will be declared a disaster zone because the country is going through a do-it-yourself craze to save a few worthless dollars.

According to the Googlamaniacs, Congress, accountants, attorneys, IT personnel, and other dweebs and nerds, are making a concerted effort to do some actual work. They see do-it-yourself projects as an alternative to charging outrageous prices for performing tasks that produce nothing that is visible to the naked eye, or any other eye, for that matter.

For reasons that are beyond the realm of even the weakest imagination, these overeducated, overpaid, suit wearing, menaces to society, are becoming even more dangerous. They are attempting to perform tasks that require actual skills and experience. They believe they can do things - you know . . . things . . . like shingling roofs, hanging drywall, painting houses, paving driveways, installing electrical fixtures, ad nauseam. Can you believe it? It must be stopped.

Hospitals will soon be filled to capacity. The national grid is in danger. Federal disaster funds will be depleted in days. The country does not have the personnel to repair the damage that will be done. We will again be in a position where we are forced to hang our heads in shame, put our collective tails between our legs and make an appeal to foreign-born skilled craftsmen. We must encourage our lawmakers to pass legislation that handles the matter. Putting large, skilled people out of work should be a federal crime punishable by severe penalties. It's un-American!

I am going to lead the movement to halt this threat to our wellbeing. If other professionals engaging in useless occupations follow my footsteps, disaster shall be thwarted. I propose that any writer developing a callous by attempting to be involved in a project requiring actual work be banned from the Writer's Guild for life.

There, that should do it. Whew! For a minute there I thought we were doomed. I can only hope that everyone pays attention. Do-ityourself disasters should be given coverage that is more prominent in the media. We are quick to forget about unspeakable events that have resulted from the stupid and naive paying attention to do-ityourself advertising.

How can we not remember Elmer Lipsod, an attorney from Possum Flats, who slid from the roof of his house while attempting to install shingles. He grabbed onto a bundle of shingles on the way down to slow the momentum. It didn't work. He landed on the flat of his back after falling 20-feet. He survived the fall for about a halfsecond, until the 50-pound bundle of shingles hit him square in the face, knocking him senseless. He was missed in court for some time to come.

And what about Niles Gumswallow, an accountant from Swampwater Meadows, who thought painting his house would be a simple task? He erected a scaffolding to paint the exterior of the second floor, but neglected to lock the wheels before climbing to the top. As soon as he stepped onto the unsecured structure, it started rolling. He was left hanging by one arm from a gutter that was not designed to hold a 200-pound man desperately clinging to an opened $40 a gallon bucket of paint with his free hand.

Down he came, gutter, paint, et al. Whether he died from drowning in the bucket of gray paint that landed upside down on his head, or from the severe beating his wife gave him with a frying pan for landing in her blooming petunia bed, was never established.

I appeal to the wives of the delusional, untalented, do-it-yourself work force. If you love your country, please discourage them. Tell them to get up off their fat wallets and give you the money it takes to get the jobs done. They can go out and charge exorbitant fees for doing whatever they do to make up for the small dent being charged by skilled workers.

If they resist, encourage them to drink beer, watch baseball, and stay out of the way. Whatever possesses men with no survival skills and a limited understanding of how their toaster works, to attempt to fix, repair, or construct anything, is just part of that system we can't understand.

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