2008-07-17 / Sam Bari

The real reason why sports fans get fat

You can't beat a system you can't understand
By Sam Bari

Here it is folks. The info we have all been waiting for - the secret that fat food companies never wanted revealed is finally exposed, exclusively through this newspaper.

Because of the relentless efforts of our crack research team, the Googlamaniacs, who contributed nanoseconds of their valuable time after hours, we have an answer to the age-old question: Why do sports fans get fat?

I know you will probably find this difficult to believe, but when you get over the shock and do the math, you will see that it makes perfect sense.

When sports fans watch their favorite teams in action, let's just say they're watching football, in their little pea-size brains, they are actually playing the game themselves. Now we all know, even they know, that this vicarious experience is as close to reality as their pudgy, couch potato butts will ever get.

Nonetheless, when the couch potatoes at home watch two professional football teams out on the gridiron attempting to beat the snot out of each other, their eyes tell their little brains that they need a lot of energy if they are going to survive for the next few hours. "Those guys are burning calories by the truckload," the eyes say to the brains. "That means they are using up energy."

Then the brain says to the stomach, "Food alert! Food alert! We need energy! Send out for calories!" To the couch potato, this translates to- "Eat!"

It's really a simple formula. For every calorie expended by the real athlete on the football field, the couch potato absorbs one calorie. Of course, that calorie is never really used. What is actually happening is the real athlete is burning calories by the hundreds while the couch potato is absorbing them by the thousands.

The calories absorbed by the couch potato have nowhere to go, so they are liberally distributed to his cushion-shaped butt and generous gut.

Just watch a group of couch potatoes while their eyes are glued to a television during a football game and make note of their behavior. As soon as a play is over, a rib, hot dog, or bite of pizza is consumed. This action is followed by a swig of beer. They do this for three hours. Sometimes they even eat dinner at halftime. If it's Sunday, they could be watching a double header. You get the picture. It is disgusting.

However, do not despair. The Googlamaniacs conferred with their nerd science geek friends on the Internet and together, they invented a solution - the Cheese- Air-Ball. Yes. The breakthrough product we have all been waiting for has finally arrived. It will stop obesity in fat-prone sports fan land - in other words, America.

The Cheese-Air-Ball is a delicious, thin crust of cheese surrounding a ball of air. When consumed, the ball of air collapses and the crust turns to powder. An entire large bag contains less than five calories. The magic of Cheese- Air-Balls is that it takes more energy to consume them than they produce. In other words, you can lose weight eating these tasty little tidbits of cheese-covered air.

Now I know there are skeptics out there. "Cheese is fattening and contains bunches of calories," you say. Not so with the Cheese-Air- Ball because it is not made of real cheese. The tiny deep fried granules were originally an inedible oil by-product made edible through chemistry. And through the magic of chemistry again, it was made to taste like real cheese.

Cheese-Air-Balls were field tested on laboratory rats. After consuming 20,000 of the tasty little treats, the rats died of exhaustion. Cheese-Air-Balls have such little nutritional value that even rats can't survive on them. They are without a doubt the perfect couch potato sports fan food.

This exciting product will soon be available in stores everywhere. Buy two bags at $9.95 each and your couch potato will be set for an entire afternoon of football watching without gaining so much as an ounce of disgusting gelatinous fat.

Cheese-Air-Balls only sound expensive. Just think how much money you will save when you no longer have to buy pizza, hot dogs, ribs, or fried chicken. And there is nothing to clean up.

If you love your couch potato sports fan, go out and buy a case of Cheese-Air-Balls as soon as they are available. If you don't, you're just part of that system none of us will ever understand.

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