2008-07-31 / Sam Bari

When revenge is sweet, it can really be funny

You can't beat a system you can't understand
By Sam Bari

Not long ago we talked about how our parents put the old, "I hope your children are just like you," curse on us, and it sure enough happened. Then we put it on our children, and they will put it on theirs, and so on and so forth, and the old chestnut will be passed on through the ages.

However, thanks to modern technology, we can be assured of getting revenge on our offspring and other people who deserve to be punished for making our lives miserable at one time or another.

My son, Roman, has a beautiful 2 year-old daughter who loves to give kisses to those she loves. She is just precious—the light of my life. He is a computer geek. He owns the most tricked out room of high-tech computer gear I have ever seen. Believe me, NASA has nothing compared to him.

Since he lives some distance away, his latest and greatest computer magic allows me to visit my grandkids via a computer cam. He has a huge display (that's geek talk for computer screen) as well as surround sound on his home computer lab/entertainment center.

Every day or so, I sit in front of my computer, computer cam at the ready, and I call him on his computer. It rings just like a telephone and a dialogue box on the screen prompts him to click on "answer." It is totally idiot proof. Anyway, when he answers, my image comes on his massive 36-inch display and I am at least as big as life. With the surround sound, you would think I was in the room. This just delights Kiana, my granddaughter.

As soon as Kiana sees her granddad on the screen, like all affectionate toddlers, she wants to give him a kiss. Sounds pretty standard, don't you think? Now let's not forget the most fundamental rule in the "Baby Rules Handbook." Never kiss an adult unless you have jam or something really gooey on your face. Children inherently know this rule.

How many times has that happened to you with your own children or someone else's gooey child? It's disgusting. However, it is not disgusting when they kiss you via a computer cam. At least it's not disgusting for the person receiving the kiss.

Whenever I call Roman, and Kiana is in the vicinity, which is all the time, the first thing I do is put my big mug up close to the camera so my face fills the screen, and I say, "Hi, sweetheart. Do you have a kiss for your granddad?" And every time, little Kiana immediately puts her jam-covered lips right on his $3,000 computer screen as she gives me a big, gooey, wet smackeroo right on the lips.

While she's telling me how much she loves her granddad, Roman can be heard in the background: "No! Dad! No! Please! Not on my screen! AAARRRGGGHHH!" Ooops! Too late.

Darn . . . we did it again. I don't know why he always forgets. Hehheh. I remember my dear son when he was two. I don't think I ever touched that kid when he wasn't gooey, slimy, or sticky.

"Oh, I'm sorry, son. I forgot," I say innocently. Then I give him my most devious smile. He knows, and he knows I know he knows. Granddad is not senile yet. Revenge is sweet, oh so very sweet. Don'tcha just love the double entendre?

This wonderful vengeful technique works in a variety of scenarios. Many people have computer cams. It is a cheap and entertaining way to visit your friends and relatives, especially if they live far away. If you know someone with a computer cam who owns a dog, that can be fun, too.

You know the person who owns the dog of which I speak. We all know at least one. The dog that either shows his affection by jumping on your leg, putting a muddy paw on your freshly cleaned suit, or slobbering all over your shiny shoes. Or worse, your bare feet.

If you know one of these people and they happen to own a computer cam, just remember this: Dog owners love to show off their pets. So, when you call this insensitive mutt owner, make sure to have a dog biscuit or a treat of some kind handy.

Just say, "How's your dog?" when he answers, and I assure you, that proud pooch parent will call the mutt over to the screen so he can show him off.

You, of course, will be prepared, and you will say, "Want a biscuit?" and hold it right up close to the camera. The dog treat will be gigantic on his screen. And because dogs are generally ultra stupid, it will jump up and try to grab said biscuit with his giant-sized, slobbery, wet tongue—all over the computer screen.

Heh-heh. And who ever said revenge isn't sweet? Now use your imagination. This technique is too good to pass up.

Ya gotta have a little fun once in awhile when you live in a system you can't understand.

Return to top