2008-08-28 / Sam Bari

The conventions are on! Let the games begin!

You can't beat a system you can't understand
By Sam Bari


This year, the mile high City of Denver, Colorado is hosting the DNC (not a rap group—it's the Democratic National Convention). This city is most famous for hiring John Elway as its football team's quarterback. The DNC will be one continuous pep rally from Aug. 25 to 28.


Minneapolis/St. Paul, Minnesota is hosting the RNC (not the Retired Nurses of Cairo - it's the Republican National Convention) from Sept. 1 to 4. Minnesota is most famous for hiring Jesse Ventura, a WWF professional wrestler, as its governor.

Judging from the choices for convention locations, I believe we can see where the country is going, regardless of who is elected.

Traditionally, political conventions are really boring. So, to get the ratings up, this year the candidates are going to play "Jeopardy" instead of giving speeches. Each candidate will be the only contestant at his convention.

For our unbiased political contribution, this newspaper is sending our crack research team, the Googlamaniacs, to both conventions to contribute nanoseconds of their valuable time to help the candidates answer the really hard questions.

As you know, "Jeopardy" is the game that gives the answer, and the contestant has to come up with the question. So, when Barack Obama is given the answer, "They'll fight it out amongst themselves," the Googlamaniacs will be there to tell him, "How will Iraq successfully be divided into three countries?"

And when John McCain is given the answer, "None. His wife bought all of them," the Googlamaniacs can tell John in less than a nanosecond, "How many houses does John McCain own?"

The games are part of the preparation program for when the conventions are over. Instead of the candidates engaging in boring debates for nearly two months, they will play appropriate quiz show games. The games will last until Nov. 4, 2008 — Election Day.

However, this year, whoever is winning the games will automatically win the presidency. We won't need an election. It's the perfect solution. No more waiting in line at the polls, no more stuffed ballot boxes, recounts, or any of those less than reliable methods of selecting the president. We will select our president by who performs best as a game show contestant.

On the day the candidates are scheduled to debate economic issues and policies, they will play "The Price is Right" instead. If they don't know how much things cost, how can they possibly author intelligent budgets?

When they play "Jeopardy," an appropriate category will be selected — like international commerce. The candidates will be given answers like, "Dick Cheney—that's why he gave the defense contracts to Halliburton." Of course, the question will be, "Who wants to be a millionaire?"

Another answer will be, "Because they can." The question is, "Why did the oil companies raise the price of diesel to prices higher than gasoline, a more expensive fuel to manufacture?"

According to Internet blogs, the focus of the Democratic convention agenda is to convince Hillary Clinton to stop playing major roles in John McCain's television commercials.

John McCain representatives want to thank Hillary for her invaluable assistance. Without her, their campaign would be as flat as a George W. Bush for president campaign poster.

Someone must convince John McCain that following in George W's footsteps is not in his best interests. His constituents do not recognize that losing three million manufacturing jobs in the U. S. by sending them overseas is not good foreign policy. Somehow, the methodology appears to be inefficient. And, giv- ing tax breaks to the companies outsourcing those jobs to Third World countries is not the best way to handle domestic economic issues. The program needs rethinking.

If Mr. Obama is at a loss for words about the specifics of his "Change America" campaign, he can always rely on his running mate to take up the slack. Senator Biden is known for his eloquence. Since the convention runs from Monday to Thursday, they should schedule Biden's speech for Tuesday. By the time he finishes, it will be time for closing ceremonies.

Both parties promise exciting conventions this year. Inside sources say that in-fighting, party disunity and mass confusion should provide media fodder and entertainment that will put the Oscar's to shame. Why would we expect more when we live in a system we can't understand?

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