2009-01-22 / Sam Bari

Economic recovery through consolidation

You can't beat a system you can't understand
By Sam Bari

This past week has seen major change and resolutions on important issues that are important to Americans. For instance, the contending teams for Super Bowl XLIII were decided. That was a high priority in the grand scheme of important stuff to resolve in America.

As unbelievable as it might be, the Pittsburgh Steelers are going to duke it out with the Arizona Cardinals in Tampa, Fla. for the top football prize. No, this is not a joke; the Arizona Cardinals are really going to the Super Bowl . . . to play.

Another newsworthy item concerns the Obamas, who decided to purchase an antique, king size bed for their new digs on Pennsylvania Avenue. That was a decision worth mentioning. Also, the Inauguration was a splendid affair.

An additional noteworthy item also involves our president, who worked hard during the weeks before taking over the oval office. He helped the country by getting a head start on resolving disturbing economic issues with a brilliantly architected plan.

It appears that since congress supported his program, The American people are going to rally behind their new leader and get involved in helping the country cure its economic woes.

I think it is important that we all do our part and try to contribute to the effort, even if we only do so in a small way.

I believe I have come up with a plan that could save hundreds of thousands and possibly millions of dollars in TV production costs. My idea even has the potential to save a few jobs in various industries. The concept is to consolidate TV commercials. I know it sounds far-fetched, but hear me out. This could work.

Did you ever notice that those really tough, manly men in the truck commercials are the same guys you see in the beer commercials. You know the ones I mean. The guys with the big muscles and heavy beards who heave boulders into the back of their pickup trucks, then they flash big, white, toothy smiles at the camera while women drool all over their TV sets. Those guys.

Well . . . The idea is to take the footage from the "Drive the truck that gets the job done" commercial, and combine it with a beer commercial. After the guy heaves the boulder into the truck bed, and six of those burly specimens of American manhood jump into the truck cab patting each other on the back and congratulating the driver, the commercial masterfully cuts to the same guys drinking beer in a "Drinkability" commercial.

That's the commercial where the burly men celebrate their big accomplishment with their manly truck by drinking beer, a manly drink and a most masculine pastime.

By combining the footage, two products could be advertised for the price of one. I believe that the same spot could include one more product because the spot needs sex appeal. Yes, sex appeal is always an integral ingredient in all truck and beer commercials.

To fulfill this need, I also noticed that the women who are in the dance the fat off with suggestive and obscene body movements commercials, are also the same women that are in the manly beer commercials.

You know the women of whom I speak. They are the young ladies that look as if they live in a gym, wear underwear from Victoria's Secret, and in real life never date or marry anyone whose name is not prominent in a Fortune 500 company.

We are talking about drop dead beautiful models and actresses who have never had a beer in a manly bar actually pass their lips.

Now the commercial cuts to these spandex clad babes working out while the announcer claims that they lost a hundred pounds each in only two weeks. After the workout, we cut back to the beer commercial where these women who were dripping sweat in the last frame, are now perfectly coiffed and dressed in designer jeans that fit tighter than the spandex they wore at the gym.

They bounce into the bar, grab a beer, latch onto the nearest hunk and stare dreamily into his eyes as he swigs brew and looks manly.

Put those three commercials together and millions could be saved. The commercial is a perfect example of the American dream. The story line is classic.

Hard working men driving manly trucks are rewarded for their efforts with beer and attractive women who have nothing better to do than practice sexy, suggestive exercises so they can look perfect and lust after men in manly bars.

I feel better already. I have put together the perfect formula advertising the American ideal in one commercial that will save big corporations millions. Only in America could all of this be accomplished while we contend with life in a system we can't understand.

Return to top