2009-05-28 / Sam Bari

The rights of spring

You can't beat a system you can't understand
By Sam Bari

As long as I have lived in this system that none of us has any hope of ever understanding, the question of human rights has been a controversial issue. We allegedly have rights, and we have lefts; what we really have are ill-defined rights that have left us alone and defenseless, because whenever the rights are challenged, we are left without them.

Ours is a sad state of affairs at best.

I believe we can come to terms with this shortcoming in our system by itemizing a few of those rights as we have done in the past, and the rights of spring is a good place to start.

Now keep in mind that many of these rights have not been covered in law books or by ordinances and legislation. They are rights of life as defined by the people who desperately need them, who if provoked will go to extreme means to defend them.

For instance: It is the right of parents to enjoy the peace and tranquility of their homes after they have sent their offspring off to college.

Conversely, it is not the right of every college student to return to their parent's home in the spring with 25 of their closest friends and turn it into a college dorm with maid service, free food, and a car with gas in it.

It is the right of every parent to rent their children's rooms, sell the house, or move without leaving a forwarding address once said children have left to further their education.

If parents decide to keep their homes and take the chance that said children will return, they have the right to demand services, rent, and obedience from any child who comes back to the homestead feeling needy.

This means that children's rooms will be kept tidy, they will do their own laundry, contribute to household expenses, find their own transportation, and do their part of basic household chores. The chores include cutting grass, painting and repairing where needed, cleaning, vacuuming, and picking up after themselves, as well as helping with the shopping.

It is not the right of any child to return to any parent's home unless they are invited after said child has graduated from an institution of higher learning. They have the right to get a job and an apartment.

Uphold those rules in your household and I assure you, your children will find other accommodations for the summer.

It is the right of every fisherman in America to decorate trees lining the shores of rivers and lakes with expensive lures, exotic handmade flies, and assorted other fishing gear.

It is the right of every fisherman's wife to demand that fundamental household chores be completed before fishermen are permitted to decorate said trees. The chores include cutting grass, painting and repairing, as well as landscaping and building projects that have been promised for more than a decade.

The aforementioned rule can be altered to fit the situation if said parents have a child returning from a year at college who can shoulder some of the burden.

Every man who owns a boat has a right to leave for a weekend of fishing, sunshine, and freedom from the demands of life on land. It is not his right, however, to leave his wife standing on the dock, bag in hand, thinking she is going with him.

This rule, though harsh, is particularly applicable if teenage children are involved. If she insists on bringing them, she can wait at the dock.

It is the right of every child to spend the summer helping parents with household maintenance. They also have the right to get a summer job to put away some savings for college expenses. If they are denied these rights, they have the right to protest, and they are entitled to their day in court. I suggest that they go to the local courthouse and file a complaint immediately, while the crowds are thin.

It is the right of young men to pursue young women and enjoy the rites of spring by experiencing the euphoria of young love. It is not their right however, to break their hearts, lest they have an uncanny desire to become a poster child for gun control. Some fathers take protecting their daughter's hearts rather seriously.

Enforce these rules, and life will be easier living in a system we can't understand.

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