2010-12-02 / Sam Bari

Gift-buying guide for him and her

You can’t beat a system you can’t understand
By Sam Bari

Yup! It’s that magic time of year when we must take on the delicate task of buying a gift for our significant others. We can begin by exploring the world of buying for “her.”

Gentlemen: Do not doubt, even for a fleeting second – if you buy the wrong thing, “her” can be more significant than you ever imagined.

An error in this most closely scrutinized annual ritual can result in lonely nights and a familiarity with the living room couch that borders on disturbing.

According to the gift-buying gurus, 2010 is the year of electronics. Allegedly, anything operated by electricity is fair game for all sexes. The choices are overwhelming; everything from R2D2 robots to computerized nose-hair clippers. Just Google “electronic gifts” and you’ll see what I mean.

However, if you purchase an electronic gadget, toy, or computerized anything because you think it’s “cool,” trust me, your feelings will not be shared. Electronic playthings do not represent affection or anything close to the “L” word as defined by most of the feminine set.

Keeping that in mind, I am confident that you would get a nod of approval with a gift like Clive Christian Imperial Majesty Perfume. It comes enthroned in a handcrafted Baccarat crystal bottle with a solid-gold neck and five-carat diamond top.

It is also delivered to the recipient’s doorstep in a chauffeurdriven Rolls Royce. However, this little expression of your undying love will set you back $215,000.

If your sweetie fancies herself as a bit of an intellectual, for a little less money you might try appealing to her inner Dorothy Parker with the gift of an Algonquin Round Table experience.

She will be the guest of honor at a dinner party at the Algonquin Hotel along with eight distinguished artists and intellectuals. It will be a once-in-a-lifetime event.

For the paltry sum of $200,000, and enduring dinner with a bunch of snots, you will be king of the boudoir at least until Valentine’s Day.

If baubles impress the object of your affection, nothing says “Love” better than a pair of diamond and ruby encrusted slippers by Harry Winston.

After your favorite femme focuses her baby blues on this enviable footwear, lounging around the house will never be the same. And it will only set you back $3,000,000. Yes, you read it right – three million.

If resources are limited, you could always tap the Neiman Marcus Holiday gift catalogue and consider a 48-foot MetroShip Houseboat – $250,000. If that doesn’t strike your fancy, try the one-of-a-kind his and hers charm bracelet with extremely rare, naturally colored, marquise-cut, blue, pink, white and gold diamonds — all for only $248,000.

If you’re on an obscenely tight budget, you might consider the $75,000 Neiman Marcus edition Camaro convertible. Apparently, it has a $45,000 paint job. That is the only discernible difference between the NM version and the top o’ the line $30,000 model.

I am sure that any of the aforementioned will make you a hero in her eyes. You might not be excused from your mother-in-law’s birthday party, but a few weekends of golf and an occasional night out with the boys might be in order.

Now let’s consider a gift for “him.” Men are much easier. If they can play with it, drink it, eat it, or ogle it – they are happy. Cost is of little consequence.

Get him a men’s underwear repair kit for $9.95 and you could easily convince him that you put a lot of thought into your purchase. I’m not lying about this item.

It comes with patches, needle and thread, safety pins, elastic, whiteout, and trusty duct tape, as well as a 32-page instruction manual. It can be purchased at “What on Earth.” I’m sure you know exactly the guy who needs one.

If you buy him a water-balloon pump, he will love you forever. The balloon pumping station comes with 500 biodegradable water balloons in assorted colors, with strings for tying.

Water is optional. The pump will inflate the balloons using air only, or most other liquids. Tell him to use his imagination. This unique gift is also available at “What On Earth” for only $24.95.

If these suggestions are too creative, just go to the electronic gift page on Google and buy him anything.

Finding appropriate Christmas gifts for our loved ones is a signifi cant part of living in a system that we can’t understand.

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